tallgeeknproud

I'm so tired!!!!!!! This is flippin' stupid!!! I just wanna scream and burn the place down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not pleased with life right now. Maybe I'm just cranky.

And I have really explicit images going through my mind (yes, some are sexual).....its been going on all day!

My Darling,

I love you so much more when yo whispered,

"Ever mine, ever mine, ever mine."

"Three words, eight letters,"

I whisprerd back and then you led me to the room or rather I led you.

You could see right through me, you allowed me to explore your bodu and mine.

You took pleasure and delight in my release, of all those years alone,

of all those hormones, of all of the pent - up desires.

And I begged for it all.

I loved it and the sound of my pleazure drove you, you lost control. But I begged for it.

I begged.


I begged.

Suddenly, the look in your eyes changed - they became bloodthirsty and violent, but I asked for more.

When we arrived home, you hit me some more only to end up on the floor, aroused.

I tried to deny it, but you saw right through it.

The more I screamed and begged, the rougher you got, but the more I enjoyed it, the harder you went.

We finished togther and you tied me up.

You teased and prodded and licked the tears off my face.

As we layed on the bed - tired, hurt, and sweaty - you whispered

"Ever mine, ever mine, ever mine."

Days later, I was late for our date and you took to me to the back and slapped me.

So, I had a session with my thearpist, Sir-Talk-A-Lot (not that he talks a lot but I think it's clever) and we discussed one of my sisters, Bitch.Our session lead me to talk with my older sister, Beauty about sex and Bitch.

Now Bitch and I are six years apart. She lots her virginity when she was 13, I was seven at that time and learned that she had sex at this young innocent age. The first time I saw and heard her having sex I was only 8 years old. She had sex in various places even in our mother's own bed. Sometimes she would close the door, sometimes she wouldn't. Sometimes she would lock the door, other times she wouldn't. I have walked in the room during her activities and she didn't stop. When I was 8, I walked into the room while she was busy, I stood there and watched for a minute or two before I realized that I was getting turned on. I simply left the room and forgot the incident. After she had Lady#1, she just kept on sleeping with men and women.

When Lady#1 was about 6 or 7 months (I was 11), we were playing and she started humping me. At that moment I realized that Bitch would have sex while Lady#1 was in the crib, supposedly sleeping. From that point on, I ofetn had to take Lady#1 out of the room and we would fall alseep in my twin size bed. I also had to bang on the door or the wall to tell them to keep it down or to not break the bed.

Sir-Talk-A-Lot has heard only the basics, he does not know the juicy details, but beauty knows. Beauty majored in pyschology and aspires to be a thearpist. After I told her this and my two biggest sexual fantasies (raping and being raped, and exchange of blood through cutting), she explained to me that I had suffered more than sexual trauma, I had suffered sexual abuse, a molestation of the mind. I'm still deciding on whether or not if I should tell my mother or Sir-Talk-A-Lot about this. I don't want to deal with Child Services or their rude ass social workers/ case managers.

I also don't want to tell my mother or the rest of my family that they indirectly played apart of her abuse of me. I was often hit when Bitch and I fought, despite the fact that she started the agrument and that she laughed as I was getting hit. I lied so often because Bitch forced me to that my parents would never believe not one ord I said. They barely trusted me and let Bitch and her anger control the house and me. My mother already feels guilty about the physical and emotional abuse that she didn't protect me from. I always tell my mother that I have never blamed her about anything Bitch put me through, but she deals with the guilt. I freaking love my mother and I don't know what I'd do without her.

It came to me that I don't hate Bitch, I pity her. She has no more power over me, she has done everything she possible could to hurt me. She'a pathetic and a coward. I can't believe I used to fear her, that I was silly putty in her hands.

It's a lot to learn and discover within days during finals and regents, but I have to face the music if I want to come out on top.

Thanks for reading!

I know it's been forever since I've posted but I feel compelled to do so today, so I will.

I need someone to love....I mean that as in romantic love. I do love my friends and family, but having a male to talk to won't hurt. Hopefully, during my four - week stay at this pre-college program, I'll meet someone. I do , however, plan on talking to Brain (that's his nickname) even though it'll be awkward, well, that and how do I knowif he has a girlfriend or not by now. I mean who's to say that he's waiting for me to call him and go out with him. For I know, he probably fell in love with a fellow classmate at his culinary school(and this boy can cook!).

Maybe, I'll feel more confidant about myself because my face has finally cleared up. I still get one pimle here and there but not as bad as it used to be. Even the dark spots and scaring on my face has lightened up. Therefore I have no reason to cover my face with my hair. In fact, I've been wearing my hair up / away from my face. I've also been wearing my hair natural, I finally decided that I prefer to wear my hair au natural, so I've stopped relaxing my hair; however I have to perm my hair from time to time so it doesn't all break off(which happens when you stop relaxing your hair).

I have remember to call Ms.Elite to schedule an appointment with her. She'll be pleased that my face is doing better, but I haven't lost the five pounds that I was supposed to. My stomach is getting a little pudgy, but during the program I'll be atending I can use the gym and sign up for exercise classes. And I'll be doing sport conditioning for tennis and then play tennis. But when the program ends I have tell my dad that he has to renew my gym membership(despite the fact that I've never used it) or just scrap up some money to sign up from some class or the other. I think yoga would suite me better than anything because I have six years of ballet experience and yoga will help regain my flexibilty. So I guess yoga, it is....it make sense especially since I want to minor in dance.

Best and Worst: "I like a girl who spits" It was SOOOOOO funny!!! With the situation and what not. I LOVED it!!!  It wasn't said to me but to my friend, so now she looks around before she spits.

I made up a pick-up line: Me - "What's the square root of 100?"
                                              Person: " 10!'
                                             Me; "Can I get them 10 digits baby?" (phone numbers have 10 digits)

Dear Eggs,

Hope you've enjoyed the rest of your summer. i would love to hang out with you. We just have to plan it out is all.
Sorry that i haven't posted. I've been busy doing summer assignments. As of right now, actually I'm typing up my french flashcards from last year (I finished the ones from freshman year like 2 day ago). i just took a break. I still have one book and 10 journal entries to do. and AP USHistory to finish. And french flashcards to finish. I really do apologize. I haven't even called or texted you. I'm really sorry!!!! Can you forgive me? :( 
I hope you do. I don't have many friends and I would hate to lose you as a friend........*sigh*
I have news for you too, but you have to tell me yours first!!!!!!!!

We should hang out next week, when it's sunny and you can show me Brooklyn!!!! (I've been but only to the Botanical garden and when my dad has a small job in the area) It will be fun promise!

Well, maybe I'll post later tonight if I'm not too tired!

I am listening to Chrisette Michelle's "Your Joy" and I'm crying. Here are the lyrics:

Walked down the sidewalk
Staring at your feet
Wishing my steps were longer
So by your sides I could keep

Hold your hand much bigger
Never wanted mine to grow
So I could always feel perfect
Inside your palms just so

No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy

Laid me on your belly
Nights when mama wasn't home
Lightning made me shiver
And you never let me feel alone

I tried to match your breathing
Beating my little heart against yours
Perfect were the nights we were sleeping
I never want to end what we are

'Cause No one loves me just like you do
And no one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy

One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
He'll always have a place within
One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
He'll always have a place within

No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy.


I love my dad, but I wish that I don't. It hurts so much to love him. I have been through so much pain and tears because of him. For example, he critized my science project in front of everyone. He insults me in front of people. He would beat me when he was drunk or when he had a bad hangover or day, and denies it. I would be red for weeks after he would hit me.  I always tell myself "This is the last time I'm never going to cry about or over him again", but I always do. I'd rather wake up everyday not knowing who my father was than go through the pain and tears that he causes. And what's worst is that I look like him and that's why I can't bring myself to look in a mirror because I see him.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so depressing.

 I just finished watching a youtube video about modern emos. The young lady doing the rant has a point. People complain about such trivial things. Yes, I understand that people go through things such as abuse, and mal treatment, but is it an excuse to label oneself emo? I don't think so. If there's one thing I've learned is that somewhere in the world someone has it much worse.

There are people in this world who were phyiscally, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abused, but they did emerge from those horrible situations. I'm NOT saying that they just "get over it" or that they won't be effected by it, but they do manage to get past it and move forward.

I will admit that I used to self-mutilate (cutting, burning, and biting) and I would drink and pop painkillers, but I never considered myself emo. People would call me emo, but I never described myself as such. I mean why would I? Yes, I battle my suicidial thoughts/impluses and my auditory hallunications, but I know that someone isn't luck enough to have haelthcare or treatment.

I just think people should really be more considerate and remember that life only "sucks" if that's all you think it's ever think it's going to be. I'm NOT saying that one should walk around with a BIG smile on their face, but life isn't as bad as you think it is.

Every obstacle can be overcome, it just takes a positive mind frame and the right tools.

Yes, I have faced the harsh realities of the world, I've seen things and felt things that NO ONE should have to go through. The thing is one should at least try to see the brighter side of life because everyone has at least one bright/good thing in their life, it's just a matter of if one apperciates it and takes advantage of it.

There is still GOOD and KINDNESS in the world, LOVE,FAITH,HOPE, WISDOM,KNOWLEDGE,HONESTY,RESPECT,and TOLERANCE still exist in the world, one can find it in hearts, minds, and souls of one's friends, families, and loved ones, one just has to look and hold on to it.

All I ask of the world is that is opens its eyes and sees clearly.

"What's the solution to war? It's not peace, it's CREATION!!" - La Vie Bohemia by the cast of Rent(the movie)